Transformation

Well the past 14 days of my life have been trying. But I have made it through. I say 14 because the day before surgery was a hard one too. The anticipation of everything that the next day would bring was rather hard to deal with. And the fact that I had been on the heels of recovering from a nasty stomach bug the week prior
that both of the boys had, well, I was sort of a hot mess.

The day of the surgery itself was good. Well, the morning part. I had to get up super early so I could take my last pre-surgical shower. I had to do three of them - one each the two nights prior, and then the morning of surgery as well. But I have to say - so far it has worked. Not a sight of infection has hinted in my direction *knock on wood* It is so weird going to have surgery. You check in, S and my Mom were with me, and my sister M showed up shortly after we got there. Then I got to get in my gorgeous hospital set up and wait. They make you show up like 2 hours before it has to start, and then you just sit there, and wait. And wait some more. It is really quite strange. Then they start giving you drugs, so it all becomes hazy. But you are still waiting. Then the IV, then more drugs. And waiting. Then it is a whirlwind of activity - both surgeons stop by to say hi and check in, then next thing you know the nurse is like ok time to say bye! And off you are wheeled. The whole thing is just such a strange strange thing. IT is so weird because you are fully conscious when you are wheeled into the operating room. Then I got to jump from one bed to another and help them strap my arms down. Then it was the gas mask over my face and bam next thing I know like 4 or 5 hours have gone by and my boobs are gone and its over with.

But it really isn't over with - it is just beginning. I got to hang out in the recovery area all hazy for a long while because they had a hard time finding an open room, but it was really nice because by the time I got there, S, M and Mom were there waiting. Though I sort of felt bad because they had to be there for my groans and gasps of pain as they switched me from bed to bed. It was excruciating. It was seriously some of the worst pain I've endured in my life - and I went through labor naturally so I know pain - and I was even drugged. It was rather insane. They all hung out for a bit but I kept nodding off, and I wanted S to get home to the kids so I told them to hit the road and let me rest. My other sister R stopped by after work to check in, but I was nodding off so she didn't stay too long. I still hadn't peed - it is reallly hard to go after anesthesia - and they didn't want to get me up yet so I had an awesome bed pan - that I fell asleep while sitting on. It was pretty rad. Then when I was finally able to go it was like sweet sweet release. Just amazing. I was sore, but I was relieved. I would most likely never get breast cancer now. I went from 6 years ago being told that I had an 87% chance of getting it in a 70 year life span to being able to say I will not (jinx) get it. And as sore as I was, that felt amazing.

The past 13 days have been rough. I really shouldn't say that because it all has actually been a hell of a lot better then I had been imagining. My expanders don't feel extremely tight or uncomfortable, yet. The bane of my existence currently is the two drains that are still sucking the fluid from under neath my pec muscles. They are so uncomfortable, the tissue around them wants to heal, but it can't, because I am a cyborg. I get to go back to see Dr. C on Thursday, and I am praying that I will have them removed, and I don't pray. Last week when the first two were removed it hurt so bad. It is crazy, the part that is inside of you is like 8 inches long, and they pull it out quickly, and it is just naaaaaasty feeling. Slithering, cut nerves, weirdness. So hard to explain or describe, but yah, not one for the memory books.

And I've been extra emotional in the past two days because I got my monthly visitor, Aunt Flow, who has just been making everything a good reason to cry. Which sucks, because up until yesterday I hadn't cried at all. I felt good, I was happy about my decision, happy how well everything had gone, happy in general - then hormones struck. I was suddenly gross, and sad, and tired, and just done. SO done with all of it. So S took care of me like the sweet man he is. We washed my face (oil cleansing method for the win), washed my hair, and I suddenly had a new lease on life and felt alive and ok. The hormones, man, they are strange. It was funny too, I was all weepy in the morning and I said to S, I bet I'm going to get my period soon. Two hours later I was correct.

So all in all the past 13 days have been insane. Transformational. I feel like I'm in the cocoon stage. Wrapped up in bed because I am cold all of the time now, annoyed with my cyborg attachments, But soon I will flourish and really be able to relish the me that now doesn't have to think about getting breast cancer. The me that doesn't wonder when it is going to happen to me every time I hear about someone getting the dreaded diagnosis, or worse, death. I still kind of can't believe it. And a tiny part of me wishes I hadn't done it, but I know that that is temporary. I feel that way when I can't pick up J when he is crying. I feel that way when R tries to snuggle up to me at bed time but can't because it hurts me. I feel that way when I want something off of the top shelf of anything in the kitchen and I have to either use a chair or ask for help - because I am a doer. I don't like sitting in bed all day resting. I need to be canning the tomatoes from my garden, picking black and raspberries and making jam, playing with my darling boys, living my life. But for now, I am in the cocoon. I am healing, really quite well, and rest is what I need at this point in my transformation. It is hard for me to accept at times being the person that I am, but I guess even in that way it is a good learning experience for me - having to ask for help, letting others do things for me that I can't. I just sure look forward to being able to move forward and really really really really really really hope that this Thursday that gets to happen when hopefully my two remaining drains are pulled. I'll let you know how it goes.